Making new friends as an adult is not as simple as it once was. Unlike the built-in social settings of childhood—classrooms, sports teams, or college dorms—adulthood often brings isolation, long work hours, and fewer opportunities for spontaneous connection. If you find yourself wanting deeper relationships but struggling with connecting with people, you’re not alone.
Many adults experience difficulty forming new friendships, maintaining close bonds, or feeling emotionally safe in social interactions. While the reasons are often complex, one contributing factor may be something few people talk about: emotional overcontrol.
Radically Open Dialectical Behavior Therapy (RO DBT) is a unique treatment specifically designed to help individuals who struggle with overcontrol—a personality style that can quietly, but powerfully, interfere with authentic social connection. If connecting with people has felt difficult, draining, or even hopeless, RO DBT offers a hopeful and research-supported path forward.
Why Is Connecting with People So Hard?
Human beings are wired for connection. Our nervous systems are built to seek out closeness, understanding, and mutual care. Yet many adults report feeling isolated or emotionally distant—even in the presence of others. Some might describe it as being on the outside looking in, or always feeling like a “third wheel” in relationships.
Struggles with connecting with people can show up in subtle ways:
- Feeling awkward or unsure during conversations
- Worrying about saying the “wrong” thing
- Holding back personal thoughts or feelings
- Being overly self-conscious about appearance or tone
- Avoiding social situations altogether
- Feeling emotionally detached even around close friends or family
For some, these difficulties stem not from a lack of desire for connection, but from a long-standing pattern of emotional inhibition, perfectionism, or fear of vulnerability—hallmarks of what RO DBT calls overcontrol.
What Is Overcontrol?
Overcontrol refers to a personality and coping style characterized by high self-discipline, emotional suppression, need for structure, and sensitivity to social threat. People with overcontrolled tendencies often come across as thoughtful, high-achieving, and reliable—but they may also feel lonely, misunderstood, or “different.”
When it comes to connecting with people, emotional overcontrol can interfere in several ways:
- Low openness: Difficulty sharing personal thoughts, emotions, or opinions
- Social aloofness: A tendency to remain guarded or emotionally distant
- Fear of rejection: Avoidance of social risk or emotional exposure
- Perfectionism: Pressure to present as “perfect” or emotionally composed at all times
- Hypervigilance: Constant monitoring of others’ reactions for signs of disapproval
These patterns may develop early in life—especially in environments where emotional expression was discouraged or unsafe. Over time, they become ingrained habits that make connecting with people feel confusing, overwhelming, or simply not worth the risk.
Introducing Radically Open DBT (RO DBT)
Radically Open Dialectical Behavior Therapy (RO DBT) is an evidence-based treatment specifically designed for individuals with overcontrolled coping styles. Unlike standard DBT, which focuses on emotional undercontrol (e.g., impulsivity, mood swings), RO DBT addresses the challenges of excessive self-restraint, emotional inhibition, and chronic social isolation.
RO DBT’s core mission is to improve social signaling and enhance connection. It helps individuals reduce rigid control strategies and increase emotional expression, openness, and receptivity—essential ingredients for connecting with people in meaningful ways.
How RO DBT Helps with Connecting with People
If you’ve been stuck in the loop of wanting relationships but not knowing how to build or maintain them, RO DBT offers practical, step-by-step support. Here are several ways RO DBT addresses the key barriers to social connection.
Strengthening Emotional Expression
Many people struggling to connect with others unconsciously hide their emotions or minimize their inner experiences. RO DBT teaches skills to identify, label, and express feelings in ways that foster closeness rather than conflict or confusion. By learning to express emotions openly and genuinely, individuals create opportunities for intimacy, vulnerability, and shared human experience.
Addressing Social Signaling Deficits
One of the central innovations of RO DBT is its focus on social signaling—the subtle, often nonverbal ways we communicate with others. People with overcontrol may appear disinterested or cold, even when they are yearning for connection. RO DBT teaches clients how to align their external signals with their internal emotional state, making it easier for others to feel welcomed and engaged in their presence.
Cultivating Receptivity and Flexibility
Overcontrolled individuals often struggle with control over uncertainty, making social interactions feel unsafe or unpredictable. RO DBT encourages a practice called “radical openness”—a willingness to be influenced, to tolerate discomfort, and to experiment with new ways of engaging. This mindset is crucial for connecting with people, especially in the early stages of building trust.
Reducing Social Perfectionism
A major barrier to connection is the belief that you must “perform” socially—that you must always say the right thing, appear confident, or avoid any sign of awkwardness. RO DBT helps reduce these perfectionistic standards by normalizing imperfection and encouraging playful, spontaneous interactions. Being real becomes more important than being impressive.
Building a Social Safety Net
Through both individual therapy and RO DBT skills classes, clients have the chance to build community with others who also struggle with connecting with people. These group settings provide structured, supportive environments to practice new skills and experiment with connection in real time.
The Emotional Cost of Disconnection
The toll of disconnection is significant. Individuals who struggle to connect with others may experience:
- Chronic loneliness or emotional emptiness
- Difficulty trusting others or letting people in
- Anxiety in social situations
- Depression or hopelessness
- A feeling of living “on the sidelines” of life
But change is possible. With the right tools and therapeutic support, you can learn to shift from emotional isolation to emotional openness—and from performance-based interactions to genuine, reciprocal relationships.
RO DBT Is Not About Changing Who You Are
A common fear is that therapy will strip away parts of your personality that you value: your thoughtfulness, your introspection, your discipline. RO DBT doesn’t aim to make you loud, impulsive, or extroverted. It’s about helping you access more emotional range, more connection, and more authenticity—so you can thrive in relationships without sacrificing your strengths.
Is RO DBT Right for You?
If you’ve been struggling with connecting with people, if you’ve felt alone even in a crowded room, or if you’ve longed for closeness but didn’t know how to create it, RO DBT may be the treatment that changes your life. At its heart, RO DBT is about rediscovering the human need for connection—and honoring it.
Get Started
At Abri Radically Open DBT, we specialize in helping adults who feel disconnected, emotionally restricted, or uncertain about how to build real relationships. Our therapists are trained in RO DBT and passionate about supporting you as you take brave steps toward vulnerability, openness, and connection. You don’t have to keep pretending you’re fine. You don’t have to go through life alone.
Q&A: Connecting with People
What does it mean to connect with people?
Connecting with people means forming authentic, mutual, and emotionally meaningful relationships. It involves being seen and accepted for who you are, sharing thoughts and feelings, and building trust, understanding, and emotional resonance with others.
Why do I struggle to connect with people?
Many people struggle to connect due to emotional overcontrol, fear of vulnerability, past relational trauma, social anxiety, or perfectionism. These barriers can make it hard to express emotions, trust others, or feel safe in social settings. RO DBT helps by addressing these root causes and teaching skills for openness and connection.
How do you connect with people?
Connecting with people involves a combination of emotional openness, curiosity, presence, and mutual respect. Listening actively, expressing your thoughts honestly, showing empathy, and being willing to share parts of yourself all contribute to deeper, more rewarding relationships.
Is connecting with people a skill?
Yes, connecting with people is absolutely a skill. While some may have a natural ease with social interactions, others can learn and strengthen this ability over time. RO DBT helps build the emotional, cognitive, and behavioral tools necessary for connection—making it possible for anyone to develop deeper, more fulfilling relationships.
Radically Open DBT Therapy in Portland Oregon
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