Setting Boundaries with Family | Abri Psychotherapy

Why the Holidays Bring Unique Challenges

For many, the holiday season brings joy, celebration, and reconnection. But let’s be honest—it also brings stress, tension, and the resurfacing of old conflicts. Gathering with family can sometimes mean stepping back into old roles, facing unspoken expectations, or navigating sensitive topics like politics, religion, finances, or relationships.

It’s no wonder so many people feel anxious leading up to holiday dinners or family gatherings. The good news? You can prepare for these moments by practicing communication skills and setting boundaries with family. These tools can help you approach difficult conversations with more clarity, compassion, and confidence.

The Importance of Setting Boundaries with Family

Boundaries aren’t about shutting people out or being harsh—they’re about creating healthier relationships and protecting your emotional well-being. Especially around the holidays, boundaries help prevent resentment, burnout, and conflict.

When you focus on setting boundaries with family, you:

Clarify your limits and expectations
Reduce the likelihood of heated arguments
Protect your energy and mental health
Create space for genuine connection, rather than forced interactions

Without boundaries, you might find yourself saying “yes” when you want to say “no,” tolerating uncomfortable conversations, or overcommitting until you feel resentful. With boundaries, you can approach the holidays from a place of authenticity rather than obligation.

How RO-DBT Helps in Difficult Family Conversations

Radically Open Dialectical Behavior Therapy (RO-DBT) is a therapy approach designed for individuals who struggle with overcontrol—people who are conscientious, perfectionistic, or overly self-reliant. These qualities can make it hard to loosen up in family settings or handle criticism without shutting down.

RO-DBT teaches skills that are especially useful during the holidays:

Openness: Instead of defensiveness, you learn how to hear feedback or opposing views without shutting down.
Flexibility: Family gatherings rarely go as planned. RO-DBT skills help you adapt without losing your balance.
Authenticity: Rather than pretending to be fine, you practice expressing yourself in ways that are both honest and respectful.

When combined with clear boundaries, these skills allow you to engage with family members while staying true to yourself.

Common Holiday Conversation Triggers

Before we dive into strategies, let’s name some of the most common family conversation flashpoints during the holidays:

Politics and current events
Parenting styles (“Why do you let your kids do that?”)
Personal life questions (“When are you getting married?” “When will you have kids?”)
Lifestyle choices (food, health, finances, religion)
Old wounds or unresolved conflicts

Knowing your triggers helps you plan ahead. If you anticipate these topics will come up, you’ll be more prepared to respond with calm, intentional communication rather than reacting in the moment.

Step 1: Reflect on Your Values Before You Gather

Difficult conversations are easier when you know what you stand for. Ask yourself:

What values do I want to embody at this gathering? (Kindness? Honesty? Self-respect?)
What boundaries do I need to set to live out those values?
What’s my priority this holiday—connection, peace, protecting my mental health?

This kind of reflection pairs beautifully with RO-DBT, which emphasizes living authentically and flexibly in line with your values. When your boundaries are grounded in what matters most to you, they’re easier to communicate and maintain.

Step 2: Practice How You’ll Set Boundaries

Boundaries don’t have to be confrontational. In fact, the clearer and calmer you are, the easier it is for others to accept them. Here are some examples:

On sensitive questions:

“I appreciate your interest, but I’d rather not discuss my relationship right now.”

On time commitments:

“I can join for dinner, but I’ll be leaving after dessert.”

On political debates:

“I’d love to spend this time connecting with everyone. Let’s set politics aside tonight.”

These statements are firm but kind. Practicing them beforehand can reduce anxiety. RO-DBT adds another layer: instead of delivering these boundaries with rigidity or defensiveness, you practice using openness and warmth, which increases the chance they’ll be received positively.

Step 3: Stay Mindful in the Moment

Even the best plans can go sideways if emotions run high. Mindfulness is key to staying grounded during tense conversations. Try:

Notice your body: If your heart races or your jaw tightens, pause and breathe before responding.
Check your urges: Do you want to lash out, withdraw, or people-please? RO-DBT helps you recognize these urges and choose more flexible responses.
Return to values: Ask yourself, “What choice reflects my values right now?”

This shift in awareness can mean the difference between escalating a conflict and calmly redirecting it.

Step 4: Use Openness Instead of Defensiveness

RO-DBT emphasizes openness to new perspectives—even when they’re uncomfortable. That doesn’t mean agreeing with everything said, but rather being willing to listen without shutting down.

For example, if a relative criticizes your choices, instead of firing back or retreating, you might respond:

“That’s interesting—I hadn’t thought of it that way.”
“I see this is important to you. For me, I’ve made a different choice because it aligns with my values.”

This balance of openness and boundary-setting allows for dialogue without sacrificing your integrity.

Step 5: Plan Your Exit Strategies

Sometimes, despite your best efforts, conversations become overwhelming. It’s okay to step away. RO-DBT teaches that flexibility includes knowing when to disengage.

Exit strategies can include:

Changing the subject to something lighter
Taking a short walk or offering to help in the kitchen
Leaving early if necessary

Remember: setting boundaries with family includes protecting your own mental health. Walking away isn’t a failure—it’s a choice to prioritize peace.

Step 6: Practice Self-Compassion Afterward

Even if you set boundaries and use your skills, you might still feel drained. That’s normal. Give yourself space to recover:

Journal about what went well and what was hard
Debrief with a trusted friend or therapist
Engage in activities that restore your energy

Self-compassion is central to both boundaries and RO-DBT. Instead of criticizing yourself for “not handling it perfectly,” recognize that navigating family dynamics is challenging for everyone.

The holidays don’t have to mean sacrificing your peace of mind. By setting boundaries with family, practicing mindfulness, and using RO-DBT skills like openness and flexibility, you can approach difficult conversations with greater confidence.

Remember: boundaries are not walls—they’re bridges that allow for connection without self-betrayal. And RO-DBT provides the tools to express yourself authentically while still leaving room for connection and growth.

Ready to Strengthen Your Boundaries?

If this blog resonates with you, know that you don’t have to face these challenges alone. Our team specializes in helping people build confidence in setting boundaries with family and navigating difficult conversations using evidence-based approaches like RO-DBT.

Book a therapy session with our team today and start learning practical strategies to protect your well-being, foster healthier connections, and create a holiday season that feels more authentic and fulfilling.